Artemis Fowl: Cronicle of the Extremely Long Title
by Lugian Before Swine
Summary: Lugian is back in action! A oneshot inspired by my own randomness. YAY! No plot. AH, what other AF pairing do I write, after all? Rated T to be safe.


**A/N: A one-shot chock full of randomness. Hope you enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own.**

**Artemis Fowl: Chronicle of the Extremely Long Title**

Foaly was busily working on his newest invention. He had to put one more screw in it before it was complete. As he reached for the drill triumphantly, Holly dropped down from the ceiling onto his desk, smashing his invention to bits.

"I'm practicing my spy skills," she whispered, then stalked out of the room.

Foaly sat there, stricken, for a couple minutes until he realized that he had to start all over again.

"NOOOOOO!"

_**-Meanwhile, at Fowl Manor-**_

"NOOOOOO!" echoed up from somewhere deep in the bowels of the Earth's crust.

"That'll be Foaly needing my help," said Artemis to the sheet of air next to him, and he ran outside. But he was soon stopped by an evil squirrel who was wearing an outfit similar to those of the Russian Mafia.

"Have you seen a large iceberg around lately?" asked the squirrel.

"Why no, I haven't," said Artemis. "Sorry."

"Oh, it's alright," said the squirrel. "I was just wondering because-"

But he was stopped by Grub, who was floating down from the sky on an invisible parachute and blasting a Nutrino in random directions.

The squirrel fell painfully to the ground and died.

Artemis, without a second thought, skipped three steps, hopped up and down on his right foot twice, hopped up and down on his left foot once, merrily whistled part of some unidentifiable song, and jumped into a hole that had appeared before him.

As he was falling down the hole, he screamed, "CARROTS!" as that was the customary warning to Foaly that he was falling down the pit again.

Artemis landed in Root's office, which was empty save a desk and one sheet of paper on the floor. Artemis walked over and picked up the piece of paper. It read:

_To Whom It May Concern:_

_We have discovered remnants of usage of a swear toad trap. As you should know, these are strictly forbidden in all areas in and around Police Plaza due to some complaints. We have already ticketed you for this once before, and feel that, in order to make you stop for good, we should send you another letter immediately following this one that contains all threats we find necessary. Please take the time to check your mailbox. Thank you._

_The National Society for the Conservation and Protection of Swear Toads_

Artemis put the piece of paper on Root's desk. He wondered if Root had gotten the follow-up letter yet.

Artemis walked down the hallway, completely forgetting Foaly's predicament as he searched for the little boys' room. He had to go. Bad.

As he entered the bathroom, he saw Root whistling away as he was washing his hands.

"Hey," Artemis said. "About that paper in your office-"

"Shh," said Root. "Speak no more of it. It's a trick I plan to play on Foaly."

"You mean you wrote that thing?" asked Artemis.

"Why yes, I did," said Root. "And you thought I wasn't capable of being funny, didn't you?"

"Urm..." Artemis shifted uncomfortably.

"Well?" said Root suddenly. "You gonna use the bathroom, or did you figure you would find me here so you just came in to talk to me?"

Artemis squealed and ran down the bathroom hall.

-

Holly was never a very good spy. So she figured strapping herself to the ceiling would be a good way to improve. And it was, she found. It was so easy to listen in on conversations when no one could actually _see _you.

She found herself stuck to the ceiling of Root's office now, having just watched her "boyfriend"–she coughed– checking the paper on Root's floor. Unfortunately for Holly, he didn't read it out loud, so Holly decided to drop onto the floor and investigate for herself.

Holly read it and burst out in tears of mirth. This _had_ to be a joke. There was no "_Society for the Conservation and Protection of Swear Toads_"...right?

Holly shook her head. Of course not...

-

Artemis had quite finished using the potty and was back to wandering the halls. He decided to go back to Root's office to see if there had been a development with the joke on Foaly. Holly had re-strapped herself to the ceiling, though quite badly because the Author wanted there to be a sappy moment in this one-shot somewhere, and decided to put it right here.

Artemis walked into the office. A second later, he heard a _snap_ above him. Someone shrieked. Artemis looked up, and, to his surprise, saw Holly falling from the rather tall ceiling. Artemis instinctively put his arms out, catching Holly and then proceeding to fall to the floor with Holly laying on top of him.

This is the part where you go "Aww, he tried so hard..."

Anyway, back to the story...

Holly got up, brushed herself off, and sprinted out of the room, grinning like a maniac while a rosy red blush spread up her face.

Artemis sat up abruptly and spit out a piece of bondage.What just happened...?

Just then, Trouble came striding into the room with a sleazy grin on his face. He had his arm wrapped around a spot of air where some woman's waist would normally be.

"Yo, Arty," he said, the grin spreading. "Like my new girlfriend? I can see you lookin' at her."

In reality, Artemis was staring at the spot where Trouble's "girlfriend" was because he was stunned that there was no one there.

"Mighty fine, eh?" said Trouble, beginning to swagger out of the room. "Don't want ya stealin' her, now. I better get outta here." And he walked, looking very tipsy, out of the room.

"He's _obviously _been drinking," said Opal, appearing out of no where.

Artemis backed off. "I don't have any chocolate. Leave me alone."

"Oh, but you _do_," said Opal, reaching one of her wonderfully manicured hands into Artemis's pocket. "What do you know...there it is."

Sure enough, Opal had pulled out a bar of chocolate. She unwrapped it and ate it in one bite. Then she disappeared.

"Urm..." said Artemis for the second time today.

But he was brought out of his thoughts by the sudden appearance of...dun dun DUN! CUDGEON!

"WHAT THE HECK?" shouted Artemis. "I thought you died!"

"I did," came the reply. "And that's the scary part! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"O...k," said Artemis.

"Yeah, that wasn't as much fun as I expected," said Cudgeon mournfully. "I'll be going now."

And he walked out of Root's office.

Butler stomped up to Artemis.

"The meanie centaur said I had to leave. So bye, Arty. Give Cuddles a hug for me."

"Give who a what?" asked Artemis incredulously.

"You know, Cuddles," said Butler. "My big, manly teddy bear?"

"Oh yes," replied Artemis. "I didn't know you still owned him."

"He in the attic. In a corner. He was being naughty," Butler explained.

Artemis's genius mind processed something. "Butler...how did you fit in the attic?"

"Oh, more of these height jokes, eh?" Butler pouted. "I don't appreciate that, Arty."

"...Arty?" said Artemis.

Butler sighed heavily and walked out of the office.

Artemis sat down on the floor and pulled out his fairy communicator. He pressed a button and said, "Holly, can you hear me?"

A long way down the corridor, something could be heard loudly smashing to the floor.

Artemis shut off the communicator and sighed. He was thoroughly, utterly bored.

Utterly?

Yes, utterly.

Anyways, little Arty decided now would be the perfect time for a little nappie-nappie. So he curled into a ball on the floor, and promptly fell asleep. Almost as if someone made him do it.

Wait, they did.

It was the Author.

-

A balloon floated merrily across the sky. A bird popped it. So ended the day. And ended the story.

_End_

**Dang, that was long. Oh well, I wanted it to be. I am throughly pooped now. So long!**

**The Insane Lugian**


End file.
